Talking Turkey

Pissed Off Turkey

Mr. Gobble up there knows he’s fucked. I can sympathize. Sorry about the missing blog this past week, folks. The good news is the rumors of my holiday-depression-induced-suicide are greatly exaggerated. The bad news is this past Wednesday will remain a hole in the Sex & Bacon oeuvre. I survived another train wreck gathering of my family, people I simultaneously love and loathe. I hate all the consumerism rituals that force us into an anxiety gauntlet of stress each and every goddamn year. Pretty sure these gray hairs in my beard are less about the passage of time and more about enduring the season to be fucking jolly.

ANYWAY, I’ve got another tale highlighting my personal lack of common sense and good judgment lined up for Wednesday and I’ll try to stay on schedule. But I had a lot of paying work to finish before Thanksgiving ate my week the way a dog goes after anything dropped on the floor. And you cheap assholes don’t pay me shit for entertaining you with my personal pain. (But I love you, all three of you.) Working title for Wednesday: “Sergeant Hockey Fan.”

Wanna share inappropriate stories and curse where your Mom won’t see? Join our little Facebook group. It’s mostly quiet so far, but I’d like to build it into a judgment-free zone to dump the bullshit of life onto the altar of laughter and pain. See you in the funny pages.

Paper Plate Holiday

We are CLASSY fuckers.

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  1. Tina November 27, 2016 at 9:18 am #

    As long as I have been with my husband we spend every holiday, I mean every holiday except Easter, at his mom’s house. I love my mother in law dearly but having to sit in this crammed little double wide (which is what my in laws live in as they are permanent residents at a campground) with people who talk too much is draining on my soul by the time I leave. Going there also means cooking and baking food here, transporting it there and all the while hoping that the steaming hot pan of pineapple stuffing doesn’t end up in my lap due to my husband’s need to drive like Dale Earnhardt. I have implored him many times for us to stay home. I am a great cook and he loves the food I make. He is just set in tradition. Meanwhile I just want to stay home, cook while wearing my pajamas, pig out and then nap on the sofa while he watches football. Is that too much to ask?


    • Ed November 27, 2016 at 9:26 am #

      I’m a slave to family and social pressures too, regardless of migraines and ulcers I can directly set at their feet.


  2. Tracie November 27, 2016 at 10:00 am #

    My family doesn’t do anything, so we have our own tradition of going to Boston Market. They have a special Thanksgiving feast for 3 for $35. No mess, and someone else does the dishes. Then we walk off the food at any stores that are open. Yeah I get strange looks when people ask what we’re doing for Thanksgiving, but it’s ours.


    • Ed November 30, 2016 at 10:36 am #

      I don’t “cook” so much as “re-heat terrible food in a microwave” so if it wasn’t for family I wouldn’t know the joy of a good Thanksgiving dinner. Putting that Boston Market idea in my back pocket.


  3. Sherrie November 27, 2016 at 10:41 am #

    I used to really love the holidays. But, as the years go by, i love it less and less. I’m kinda at the point where its just something i do because i have kids. The whole periof from Halloween through January is really busy and emotionall draining. In that time period I have my husbands birthday, my oldest sons birthday (which is usually on either the day before, the day after, or the day OF Thanksgiving.) My daughters birthday is Christmas Eve, then Christmas, then the anniversary of my mothers passing. And now, as of this year Thanksgiving will also be preceded by the anniversary of my fathers passing.

    Add in all the family either wanting us to be there, or deliberately excluding us (different sides) the financial stress and the cooking, baking, and decorating expected of me, and i’m just over it. I just want to sleep from November until February.

    I finally decided this year that i am no longer cooking the big Thanksgiving dinner. I’m going to stay home and cater it except for the pies. It feels good to finally put my foot down and say no more.


    • Ed November 30, 2016 at 10:36 am #

      I need to borrow some of your backbone. And pie.


  4. Jenn November 27, 2016 at 1:44 pm #

    Yeah, “jolly” is an interesting term for the holidays. Feels like the true holiday spirit is filled with stress, anxiety and anger mainly caused by that so-called loving family that just has to engulf you in its wet blanket of accusations.


    • Ed November 30, 2016 at 10:37 am #

      Hey, Merry Stressmas!


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