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Archive | Quickie

Objects In Motion

Monkey Say Oooh

It’s been a while. Real life slog, real life depression. I let this crazy blog experiment slide. Sorry about that. I’d love to report that everything is all better, but truth is I’m kind of in the middle. Better than it was, not nearly as good as it could be. But I miss you, I […]

Temporary Erosanity


Oh shit … you wanted to find out what happened after the whole hospital incident in last week’s blog? Sorry! I zag when you think I’ll zig. This week I’m going to do one of my shorter, topical pieces before diving into the tragedy that illustrates why you should be careful what you wish for. […]

Morning Beauty


  It’s a cold morning and I have nowhere to go, so I leave. I haven’t been young in a while, so my joints sound like a bowl of freshly-poured rice cereal on the lonely walk to the bathroom, each stretch sounds like I broke something. After attending to the roommate’s needs the icy touch […]

Talking Turkey

Pissed Off Turkey

Mr. Gobble up there knows he’s fucked. I can sympathize. Sorry about the missing blog this past week, folks. The good news is the rumors of my holiday-depression-induced-suicide are greatly exaggerated. The bad news is this past Wednesday will remain a hole in the Sex & Bacon oeuvre. I survived another train wreck gathering of my family, […]

Love Bytes


The internet is amazing. It brings you this blog, allows you to video chat with your grandma from across the world, and instantly offers you the full spectrum of pornography—from the most vanilla fare to stuff that could haunt your dreams for years. Ultimately, the internet is a tool, or rather a digital shelf supporting thousands […]

Substitute Boyfriendzone

Boyz & Gurlz Playing

  When it comes to male and female friendships, I’d like to think we’ve come a long way since Billy Crystal declared them impossible. He said “the sex part always gets in the way.” And that can certainly be true, IF the guy in question is a twat. “But Ed,” you might ask (but probably wouldn’t, […]

Half-Ass Explanation


When a mammal lays eyes on another living thing, it asks two fundamental questions. “Can I eat it?” and “Should I fuck it?” Or maybe that’s just me. You can call me Ed. It’s not actually my name, and the last name Vartanian is also spectacularly unhelpful for identifying me in the “real world.” I’m a […]