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Return of the Thing, Part Three

White Lacey Bra

… and now the thrilling conclusion! If you’re just now joining us you can read about my middle-school church crush (and how “crush” really is a perfect word) in Part One, and then how many years later I ended up in the hospital and that same gal walked into my room and my life Part […]

Temporary Erosanity

Eros

Oh shit … you wanted to find out what happened after the whole hospital incident in last week’s blog? Sorry! I zag when you think I’ll zig. This week I’m going to do one of my shorter, topical pieces before diving into the tragedy that illustrates why you should be careful what you wish for. […]

Return of the Thing, Part Two

Emergency Room

Surprise! I thought this was going to wrap up this week, but I don’t outline these things, I just sit down and write. Turns out there will be a Part Three next week to conclude this multi-decade saga in my ridiculous life. # Some people believe “story” is the universal human language, and by that […]

Return of the Thing, Part One

Old Church

Is this thing still on? It better be, because I forgot the domain and hosting account would auto-renew last week. Shit. Now I better justify the cost by actually doing something with it. You might have noticed that the last piece I wrote was a lot less funny and way more … best way to […]

Morning Beauty

Morning

  It’s a cold morning and I have nowhere to go, so I leave. I haven’t been young in a while, so my joints sound like a bowl of freshly-poured rice cereal on the lonely walk to the bathroom, each stretch sounds like I broke something. After attending to the roommate’s needs the icy touch […]

Sergeant Hockey Fan

Sgt Hockey Fan

In the bouncer side of my career it’s rarely a good idea to mix business with pleasure. For starters, it’s already fun. I get PAID to hang out in a bar working with friends and a random mix of other people I passionately tolerate who drift in and out of the joint. Our closing time […]

Talking Turkey

Pissed Off Turkey

Mr. Gobble up there knows he’s fucked. I can sympathize. Sorry about the missing blog this past week, folks. The good news is the rumors of my holiday-depression-induced-suicide are greatly exaggerated. The bad news is this past Wednesday will remain a hole in the Sex & Bacon oeuvre. I survived another train wreck gathering of my family, […]

Love Bytes

wireoperators

The internet is amazing. It brings you this blog, allows you to video chat with your grandma from across the world, and instantly offers you the full spectrum of pornography—from the most vanilla fare to stuff that could haunt your dreams for years. Ultimately, the internet is a tool, or rather a digital shelf supporting thousands […]

Double-You Tee Eff

Ignore This

Dating over thirty sucks. It’s an exercise in near-constant self doubt while you’re dealing with people who might as well be aliens. But at least alien abduction ends with someone getting their pants yanked off followed by some wholesome anal probing. I might give up on dating entirely were it not for my ridiculous libido […]

Substitute Boyfriendzone

Boyz & Gurlz Playing

  When it comes to male and female friendships, I’d like to think we’ve come a long way since Billy Crystal declared them impossible. He said “the sex part always gets in the way.” And that can certainly be true, IF the guy in question is a twat. “But Ed,” you might ask (but probably wouldn’t, […]